Zombie Knives by Ka-Bar

My birthday’s coming up in a couple weeks, but the presents have already started rolling in. (I maintain an intense Amazon wishlist year-round, to make it as easy as possible for people to buy me stuff. Highly recommended.)

So far, my absolute favorite present – and honestly, I don’t see how anything can beat it – is my brand new Ka-Bar ZK-Famine Tanto Knife (top knife in the image below). Ka-Bar, if you aren’t aware, is known for creating awesome combat knives for the Marine Corps, so when I heard that they came out with a special series called Zombie Killers, the whole set went straight onto my wishlist before I even finished reading the article.

Why they’re amazing:

• Bright green handles to find them quickly when the lights go out and the zombies are approaching (unfortunately, NOT officially glow-in-the-dark, but  it does make them easier to spot).
• Super high quality: the blades are made from SK5 steel so they’re solid but super light to carry, and just feel good to the touch (well, unless you’re being stabbed by them).
• Hilarious names (I couldn’t have named them better myself): War Sword, Pestilence Chopper, Famine Tanto, Death Dagger, to name a few. You can see the whole collection here.
• Umm, they really do seem sharp enough to take someone’s head off with one slice. I almost cut my finger off just sheathing mine.

I love them all – and hope to collect them all in the very near future – but really wanted the Famine Tanto knife because it’s huge and you can use it for stabbing OR slicing. They all come with super fancy sheaths (seriously, I was shocked by the quality when I opened it), a mini skeleton knife, interchangeable handles in case you’re not a fan of the neon green, and a bunch of string to tie it to your leg or pack or whatever you need to do. Here’s the full description, which does it much better justice than I can:

The Kabar Zombie Killer Famine Tanto was created to ensure its user is prepared in the most extreme of situations, including an apocalyptic attack from flesh eating zombies. The Zombie Killer line came about when some of Kabar’s top officials joked they needed to make knives capable of killing a zombie when firearms aren’t available. The Famine Tanto has wicked partial serrations on the first 1/3 of the blade flowing into a razor sharp plain edge intimidating tanto point. The stout blade is formed from SK5 high carbon tool steel that has been black coated. The grippy toxic green GFN-PA66 handle scales are attached via allen screws to the full tang which comes to a skull splitting point at the bottom. The front of the blade is stamped with the ZK bio-hazard logo and features a lanyard hole. Included with this knife are a set of interchangeable black handles, a MOLLE nylon sheath with front stuff sack and a black ZK neck knife that has its own insert in the sheath.

I’m hopelessly in love with this collection. This knife is the first thing I’ve ever owned that actually makes me look forward to the zombocalypse, when I can start splitting open faces with it. Until then, my cat better stay out of my way.

You can buy them all over the place, but Amazon has them all on sale with free shipping if you’ve got Amazon Prime. LOVE YOU KA-BAR!

Dead Island: Literal remix

Exhibit A: the trailer for the scariest video game no one’s played yet, a “first-person zombie-slasher/action-RPG.” Seriously, ugh. It sounds like it’s going to be terrifying.

Scared yet? Okay. Then you’re ready for Exhibit B, wherein some genius set the above trailer to a soundtrack with literal lyrics. Enjoy.

Thanks to Elan for the link.

Best News Ever

Okay. You better sit down for this one. I haven’t been this excited since they clarified that the Walking Dead WASN’T firing all its writers and dooming itself to an early grave, pun intended! Are you ready for this??

Michael Bay (!) is going to be producing a movie about zombies… and robots (!). Finally, we will get an answer to the terrible question that you assholes keep asking me: Should we be more afraid of the zombocalypse or of the inevitable robot takeover?

According to Chris Ryall, the creator of the original comic book Zombies vs Robots, the answer apparently is zombies… like I’ve been saying for years. But whatever, don’t take my word for it.

From deadline.com:

The film focuses on a young girl who is the last survivor on earth. She is protected by a group of robots from a pack of zombies that are intelligent and evolved.

Seriously. I cannot imagine a better movie. I literally can’t.

Sounds like the titles they’re considering include Inherit the Earth and World War Robot. Pretty sure we can do better than that.

Write This Down

–I love charts.

Deafness During the Zombocalypse

An anonymous reader asks:

Hey, I’m deaf and sometimes I think about zombies attacking and what I might do in that situation. I was wondering about your thoughts on deaf people during a zombie attack. Just wanted to know what an zombiolinguist such as yourself would have to say on the subject?

Zombiolinguist, I like that! And look, I can be the first one without even having to go back to school for another expensive degree.

This is such a great question, and something that’s been really fun for me to puzzle over because I’ve never thought of it before. In zombie movies, everyone is a strong, young, healthy, super hot, educated person. They never show what would happen to someone with a disability. (Screenwriters, take note: this would be a great movie!)

So to start… I think you know I’m going to say this, but you’re obviously going to be at a bit of a disadvantage because a human’s #1 weapon during a zombie attack is their 5 non-deteriorating senses. If you can’t hear a horde of zombies coming, you’ll have to rely on other things to keep you safe. That said, my suggestions for you aren’t so different than for anyone else. Stay with a group. Take turns sleeping. Create a safe house. Don’t be an idiot.

If you do happen to get separated from your buddies, have a backup plan. Sure, your backup plan might be a rendezvous with your final bullet, but it’s better than the alternative. I’d suggest, you know, a hidden helicopter or something, but we all do what we can.

Here’s the plus side. Psychologically speaking, I bet you’re going to have a much easier time surviving than any of your fully-aware counterparts. You’ll have the luxury of blocking out the chaos (as long as it’s not in front of your face) – something they won’t even be able to do in their sleep. Considering 75% of human deaths during the zombocalypse are caused by regular old humans snapping and becoming a danger to themselves and others, an evolutionary predisposition for staying sane will suit you well.

And before anyone asks: yes, if you become a zombie you still won’t be able to hear.

You can’t argue with infographics

I love when I lecture everyone about something, and they all roll their eyes, and then someone makes a pie chart and then they HAVE to listen to me. You’re zombie food, people. Deal with it.

(Thanks to my friend Craig for the link!)

How Do Zombies Know That You’re Human?

We’ve all seen the scene in “Shaun of the Dead” where Shaun and his buddies are able to walk right through a huge horde of zombies by pretending that they’re members of the undead. If you’re anything like me, you immediately determined that this was bullshit and that if you tried to walk through a room full of zombies moaning and faking rigor mortis, it would only draw their attention to you more quickly.

So how does a zombie know that you’re human – and that they want to eat you?

We know that zombies don’t bother eating each other. This makes sense. Sharks are mean and hungry, but they don’t eat each other, and they don’t eat things that are already dead and rotting. A zombie is about as appetizing to a zombie as a rock is to a shark.

First of all, this ties in closely to the various theories about why zombies eat people. My favorite, which hypothesizes that zombies want to eat us because they’re trying to reclaim their brains and therefore their personalities and their humanness, would explain why a zombie would want to eat me and not the dead guy next to him. But the big mystery has always been how he could tell which was which.

Secondly, I’ve already declared that a freshly-deceased zombie will have about the same strengths, abilities, and senses as he did when he was alive. So he could see me, hear me, and taste me as well as I could see, hear, or taste him. But what about the zombies whose eyes and tongues have fallen out, and whose ears are full of mud?

It’s my belief that a zombie can sense a human, just like a human can sense someone looking at her, or a deer can sense danger. Since the urge to consume humans is the only thing driving a zombie, it makes sense that all of the ability he has left would be working together to find humans any way he could. I think if you were near a blind zombie, he would chomp on you. I think even if you were being perfectly quiet and still in a perfectly dark house, if a zombie could find his way in, he would head right towards you. I think they can just sense life.

HOWEVER. I do not think a zombie would bother waiting around outside this house if he couldn’t get in. If he actually heard or saw a human across the street, I think he would head towards the guaranteed bait instead of trying to get at you. This is what allows me to sleep at night.

Book Review: Handling the Undead

In his new novel, John Ajvide Lindqvist does for zombies what his previous novel, Let the Right One In, did for vampires.

If you read Lindqvist’s vampire story, or saw the movie it was based on, you’ll understand exactly how this book made me feel. Apparently this one was originally written in 2005, but was just translated last year and won’t be released in the US until this October. I had never heard of it until yesterday.

I read the whole thing in one day because I literally could not put it down. I want to warn you that it isn’t your typical zombie book – which is to say, it didn’t give me nightmares, so if you’re looking for something terrifying this isn’t the book for you. It left me feeling pretty good, which is more than I can say for any other zombie content I’ve come across.

I started reading it because it sounded scary and blog-worthy. It was scary, but – this is the best I can do without spoilers – the “reliving,” as they’re called in the book, weren’t really the scary part. It’s all about how the living would deal with it if a zombie apocalypse happened and their dead family members came home. It’s sad, beautifully written, and the only book I’ve ever felt deserves to be called “gripping.”

Read it, whether you’re into zombie fiction or not. You’ll love it.

Reader Question: Zombie Tacos

Elan asks:

If a zombie had a taco, and then I killed it, so it dropped the taco – could I eat it?

First of all, this is sort of a moot point, since zombies really have no interest in picking up anything except pieces of you. I guess they might pick up a taco with human remains splashed on it, but then I don’t think you’d be interested in going after it.

Let’s suspend disbelief though, as usual, and assume a zombie has come to hold a taco. Maybe it was a piece of debris he picked up trying to get to someone’s eyes or ankles. Let’s also assume that this scenario comes in the midst of the zombocalypse so that food has become scarce and our loyal reader is really jonesing for a taco.

Look, dude. You really don’t want to eat this taco. Considering the tendency of zombies to drip everywhere they go, I think the chances are pretty high that there are some zombie juices marinating in that salsa. On the other hand, this has a lot to do with a controversy I’ve been wanting to address – can you get infected by ingesting zombie parts, or do you have to be bitten? If the chances are low of transmitting the virus, you might be better off going with the taco than inevitable starvation.

The way I see it, the zombie virus – remember, my working theory is Solanum – is most comparable to something like HIV or snake venom. Both of these can be transmitted through bodily fluids or bites, but the risk of infection decreases exponentially when ingested. Technically, the only way you would be at risk is if something along the way of your digestive system had a cut leading to your nervous system – which, let’s face it, your insides will be all kinds of fucked up come the terrors of the zombocalypse. Right, so don’t eat that taco unless you’re about to die of starvation.

My only hesitation in comparing the zombie virus to these two is that being exposed to HIV or snake venom does not guarantee serious infection. If a zombie bites you, on the other hand, you’re done for. No exceptions. This is something we’ll have to continue to explore. Like this guy:

Book Review: “Cheating, Death”

Teel McClanahan doesn’t mess around. He started his own publishing company, and uses it to write zombie novels the likes of which the world has never seen.

I just finished reading “Cheating, Death” – as you might have guessed from the conspicuous punctuation, a double entendre! – and was left with the kind of satisfaction I usually only encounter after watching a really good zombie crushing, or maybe after Thanksgiving. The book is the sort of simple fiction that doesn’t make you think too hard, but still manages to make you notice you’re biting your lip while you’re reading.

McClanahan shows no sympathy for his characters, building the whole story around the most gruesome destructive deaths he could come up with. The zombies are realistic, meaning they’re laughably slow and stupid but still terrifyingly relentless, and they always win. Definitely a fun read. It’s a whole series!

Speaking of realistic zombies, our gallant author took it upon himself to write Appendix Z, a list of (his) zombie characteristics. My two favorite bullet points:

• Zombies who did manage to eat the brains of their victims wouldn’t be much of a threat, since they’d prevent the spread of zombie-ism by doing so.
• Zombies spread quickly because the living are stupid, too.

A man after my own heart. Check out his stuff; you’ll like it.